unknownrival | [Accidental Video]

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[Accidental Video]

[Issei is taking down the month of February's page in his calendar. On the next page, the date of March 3rd has 'BIRTHDAY' written in blue, circled, and with sparkles around it.

Issei stares at it for a few moments, then goes to get a black marker. Scowling, he blacks out the entire square.]

As though that were any cause for celebration. Khh, happy birthday to me.

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'May' is not the best word. Or even a word that applies. At all. I did try to set you up with Saber. I got her to make you Valentine's Day chocolates and I told the entire anonymous meme that you would be cute together. That is something that actually happened.

...

[Oh, he was definitely angry. For some small value of the word, at least. And if there was anything Diarmuid didn't want to be right now, that was it. So he took a deep breath to steady himself, speaking in as even a tone as he could.]

Why.

[To have Diarmuid angry at him was reassuring, a little. He deserved that.]

I can't be anyone's boyfriend when I'm sure that anyone else would be better for them. When I'm positive that I am the worst it leads me to jealousy, to possessiveness, to doing stupid things like this, and to adding to your own problems. It's not healthy for you or for me.

But I can't break up with you when you have done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong.

I thought maybe I could get you to not want to be my lover. Maybe that would hurt you a little less.

Enough.

What isn't healthy is that you persist in this line of thought despite everything. What am I supposed to think, exactly: that you have my best interests in mind? How am I to believe that when you won't even allow me to decide how my own romantic life goes? When you can't accept 'I want to stay' when I say as much--do you think you know what I want better than I do?

I am not going to take part in this elaborate little game; what hurts is the fact that you're bound and determined to get me this angry with you. If you want me gone--if you're still going to persist in this--then tell me. I have pride enough left that I refuse to stand for this anymore.

Ah... [He smiles at that, a little.] I'm glad, that you'd tell your Master off when he's being cruel.

...Go. No one worth your loyalty would refuse you.

...you would really want that.

[It wasn't comforting. So he really was this disposable after all...?]

I am neither Master worthy of you nor any kind of lover to plot against you. How can I stand in your presence?

I would have been happy by your side forever if I only could trust myself to be someone else.

...

[Even though he'd said all that...Lancer couldn't stand to leave. Was he some kind of masochist, or just stupid?]

[Probably both, and he inwardly cursed himself for it.]

...this isn't fair. I can't leave.

Why? If I need to make you hate me I will. I certainly have enough disgust at myself to spare.

I do want- what I think will make you happy. It probably doesn't bear any resemblance to reality. But it has some kind of good intentions.

If we need to compete in self-loathing, I fear we would be evenly matched.

I should leave. Anyone with a basic grasp on logic likely would--so perhaps you're right and I truly am too stupid to know what's good for me.

But if I were to leave, we would both be alone. Can I really act selfishly knowing that?

Do you want my opinion or do you want me to let you make your own decision without my help?

...Tell me what you think. I can make my own conclusion, but let it never be said that I would not consider another's input.

I am a fool. I have been arrogant and let my own fears outweigh any sense of good judgment I had, and I didn't see how my actions ran counter to how highly I think of you.

It is your decision. But if you go, I would hope that you knew at least: you were a good Servant. You served me loyally, did everything I could possibly wish for in a knight, put up with all my mistakes and flaws... I could ask for no better knight.

...don't say that. It isn't true, whether you are optimistic enough to believe it or not.

...Can I at least say that I was happy?

[Lancer seemed to think things over for a few minutes; when he spoke it was in a quiet and tired voice.]

...I'll stay. But only on one condition: I'd like to be left alone for a while. A week, maybe two--there's a great deal of things I need to work out for myself, and I am not sure I can do that here.

In that time, I'd like you to seriously consider just how you should be handling this as well, and whether or not you're intending to continue with things like this. Is that fair?

That's fair. -Thank you, Diarmuid. It's more than I possibly could ask for.

Don't thank me. I have my own selfish reasons to stay or to leave, so either way it's not something worth praise or gratitude.

It's natural to praise the things that cause me happiness, right?

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