unknownrival | (no subject)

[Locked to Eris]
I'm finished. Please fulfill your end of the bargain now.
[/Locked]

[Accidental Video Post]
[Issei is shown curled up into a ball on his bed, rocking back and forth. He's talking to himself, seeming as though he's desperately trying to convince himself of his own words - his voice is frantic bordering on hysterical.]

I-I never abandoned them, I tried to save them! I wanted to keep Kuzuki-nii safe and I couldn't, I couldn't protect Caster or anyone, but it's not my fault that they're dead. A-and when Shirou needed protection, it's not as if I ran away, I just left because he told me to. I wouldn't have been able to help him even if I'd stayed. I'm so, so sorry...

I'm not worthless, I can do this much. It isn't as if this is more harm than good, of course not. And it can't be because I'm worthless why they don't want me, don't want to involve me in their lives, don't want to even tell me what's going on, it can't be that. I trust them when they say they have reasons. I don't mess up everything I'm a part of, I'm not more harm than good, I wouldn't be better off just leaving everyone else alone. That isn't true!

I'm not a coward; when she's finished upholding the deal I'll go on and tell everyone what I did and why, like I said I would. B-because I'm not a bad person, and I don't care what they think of me afterward, I did the right thing. Even if the person I did it for hates me for it, I won't mind. Of course not. This was the right thing, it has to be. E-even though everyone decries me for it, surely once I explain they'll understand a little more.

A-and it's fine if I'm stupid and reckless and not worth anything and can't save anyone from being killed or worse and they all condemn me for this. It's fine because I knew that already! It doesn't matter who I hear say it. B-because we're friends and it's fine for them to know my flaws. I don't care.

It's all right if I'm no one, but I still, I still have to be able to protect the people close to me. That's all. If I can do that, everything else is unimportant. And I can do that, at least sometimes. Once. If I can just help him once, that's all I ask.

((Issei doesn't do well with trauma. Replies to comments will be a little while later, after he's calmed down some and put up a brave front. The actual explanation post will be a couple hours after that.))

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[This face B| he doesn't believe you.]

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because I was on Cori's house to and I know how it is.

...I kind of thought that might be it.

[He puts a hand on his shoulder.]

You don't have to put on a facade with me. you don't have to tell me what you saw either.

My post probably gave most of that away already... [He sighs.] Thank you, Hakuba. I appreciate it.

You better be. You're one of the only sane guys here.

They're not all that bad.

Yes, my friend, it did.

...We're friends, aren't we, Hakuba?

Of course we are. You doubt it?

No, I don't! It's just, it's... [He looks down at the ground.] Why?

[You are just making him even more worried.]

Because you are you. You are a good friend to me too, funny to talk and funny to tease, intelligent and polite. Among other things.

But I... My elder brother and sister were killed and I couldn't do anything to save them. I didn't do anything to save them. Such a person doesn't deserve to have your friendship.

[He stops walking.] I didn't knew that. I'm sorry. But if there was nothing you could do..what happened?

[Issei lets out a long sigh.] Do you remember when Caster was a member of this community? She didn't give that as her name, but she mentioned that she lived with me.

Edited 2009-07-25 00:42 (UTC)

Caster..[he's trying to remember, not really sure who's Issei talking about.] A brunette girl?

A blue-haired woman. You might have seen her later after her introduction being brought back from the dead.

I must be confusing her by another person...You knwo who killed them?

Yes. A friend of mine that they kidnapped. And I - I knew about this, I wanted to keep them all from getting hurt and I knew it would end badly, but I didn't do anything.

[Hakuba put his hands on Issei's arms to try to calm his down.]

Ey, ey...Issei..it's not your fault if you couldn't do anything!

[He takes in a few shaky breaths.]

But I, but, I should have been able to do something... If there was anything I could have done, I should have done it.

it's doen know Issei, no point on dwelling of the past, don't torture yourself. if you start with the 'what if' questions you will never stop. I regret a lot of things about my life too.

But I... I just...

If anything ever happens like that again, I want to be able to do something. I don't want to feel powerless.

Don't think about that now. It's not going to happen. We will not let it happen, you are not alone.

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